(upon learning what an episiotomy is in childbirth class)
Mark: (blank, horrified stare)

(on my now snug workout non-maternity attire)
Mark: "You look like a prostitute, you are not going to the grocery store like that"

(upon learning pregnancy is ten months, not nine)
Mark: "This is the longest pregnancy, ever"
Me: (blank, blind rage stare)

(as we prepared for our baby shower)
Mark: "Want me to get out the vodka?"

(on consuming all the gelato and putting it back in the fridge)
Mark: "I wanted you to see we needed more"
Me: (blank stare)

(when he asked how I'd get to the hospital if he wasn't home)
Me: "Uber"
Mark: (blank stare)